BUSINESS LETTER...
Before & After
(fyi, we've changed the company name and contact info)

challenge...
Express the letter's sentiments in a more professional manner. Emphasize key information.

solution...
While all that really matters is the quality of the after version, sometimes it's easier to appreciate when presented with the alternative. Here, we wanted to get rid of the rainbow of font colors the client was using to categorize information. Then by throwing out of all the superfluous language, we created a more to-the-point letter, one that didn't need so much hoopla.

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before (including font color):

I just wanted to thank you in selecting my company as your loan agent in helping you secure the financing needed for your refinance of your house. I will keep you informed to the progress of your loan application and to the market conditions regarding the terms of the loan itself. You may also call and ask the status of the loan at any time.

after:

Thank you for selecting me as your loan agent. Not only will I keep you informed about the progress of your loan application, I will also alert you to changes in any market conditions that relate to the terms of your loan.

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BUSINESS LETTER...
Before & After
(fyi, we've changed the company name and contact info)

challenge...
A solicitation letter to retailers who sell children's bedroom furniture encouraging them to dress the beds in the client's creations and sell the client's bedding.

solution...
We so reorganized this letter that the Before and After paragraphs aren't perfect comparisons. Read the complete letters and commentary on this one.

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before:

Acme Fabrics has always subscribed to the concept that childhood should be fun. Toward that end, and as an endeavor toward maintaining that goal, many retailers of youth and teen bedroom furniture are using products from Acme West, a division of Acme of Los Angeles, as a vehicle for increased sales and profits.

after:

Childhood should be fun, that's our motto. We say it verbally; our products say it visually. Our high-end, value-priced youth and teen bedding is renown for its quality and appeal.

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SOFTWARE MANUAL...
401k Help
originally in print, now a Web site

challenge...
The challenge for the manual as a whole was to explain how to use the 401k software and, in doing so, to explain pertinent 401k concepts and regulations.

solution...
Begin each chapter with a brief outline to allow for easy skimming; in the Web version, link outline topics to their explanation. Keep language friendly and flowing. Stay away from industry jargon.

Note: The "read more" links to this item go to the Web version of the manual. Pixel Relish created this site several years ago. The client maintains it and has likely made several updates to its content (some 401k information is year-specific). We have the version we wrote and can provide anyone who is interested with access to our version. Just e-mail us your request.

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excerpt (from Chapter 5, Loans):

401k loans are an extremely popular option with 401k participants. They can prove costly to the participant over the long run in terms of lost compounding investment returns, but to many participants the money foregone is worth the freedom of having access to the 401k capital before retirement.

When a plan participant takes out a 401k loan, the participant is, in effect, borrowing from himself or herself. Investment shares worth the amount requested are liquidated, the money is handed over to the plan participant, and the loan is repaid (generally through automatic payroll deductions along with the normal 401k monthly contributions) over a period of 1 to 10 years, depending on the purpose of the loan.

There is an interest charge attached to the loan, of course, but the interest is a cost of borrowing that the employee pays to himself or herself: all the loan repayments and interest payments go back into the employee's 401k account and are distributed among the participant's chosen 401k investments just like regular 401k contribution are. However, there is a tax disadvantage in that the payroll deductions to repay the loan come out of taxable income and the 401k loan interest is not tax-deductible even if the loan proceeds are used to buy the participant's primary residence.

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